Saturday, November 3, 2007

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT


  • Well, they finally did it. They fucking killed BK. The closest BK to me has now shut down. How is it that nobody can fucking operate a Burger King in this city. I passed 3 McDonald's on the way. Now the nearest BK is like up in Wrigleyville. That's the fucking end of me. BK is my god damn hangover comfort food. Now I can't get it. FUCK FUCK. Maybe don't operate a goddamn TACO FRESCO in the same building. Nobody wants Taco Fresco. Nobody knows what Taco Fresco is. Way to give make 50% of your franchise worth zero.
  • Why the fuck isn't there any parking by my work. They closed down like one street for construction, one for no reason, random parking meters just out of commission and god forbid I get a free parking spot when the city's piece of shit meters break. No, they quickly slip a TOW ZONE cap on them. How about FIXING them motherfuckers or at least not exacerbating a problem.

OHHhhhhhh stroke imminent.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Karaoke Bellyaching

Stiff prison sentences should be imposed on anyone who sings these songs at karaoke:
  • Like A Prayer
  • Love Shack

That is all. Please feel free to go about your business.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Just one quick thing

I never understood the phrase "Well-behaved women rarely make history." Poorly-behaved women rarely make history also.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

  • Fuck GChat - it sucks.
  • Fuck billable hours
  • Fuck not having a bathroom in my office.
  • Fuck cleaning.
  • Fuck expense reports.
  • Fuck work.

AAAAAAAARGH

I never want to see one of these again:

Insects are proof that either God does not exist, or that he exists and he hates us.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I've Said It Before And I'll Say It Again

The reason Cingular has "the least dropped calls of any network" is because you cannot drop a call if you can't get a goddamn signal in the first place. FUCK YOU CINGULAR IS THE NEW AT&T. Also on that note, I used to have AT&T Wireless, then Cingular bought it, then AT&T bought Cingular, and now it's AT&T again. Is that some fucked up antitrust bullshit or what?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Bitching from my Blackberry

  • Fucking Grossman. Get your fucking head in the game. I'm tired of this bush-league butterfingery. (I almost said buttfuckery but I didn't).
  • OK doc, I get it, you went to med school and you think you're above digging through feces but I am blocked up and did not take the morning off to get the same advice I could get from fucking wikipedia re fiber intake, water intake and exercise. Sack up and clean out my anus. This is like calling a plumber who tells you to buy drano.
  • I hate people who look stupid. One just walked past me.

Monday, August 20, 2007

It's August, Time For Some More Goddamned Complaints

  • I don't like the word "foodies."
  • I never want to hear a sentence containing two or more of the following names
    • Charlie Weis
    • Tom Brady
    • Brady Quinn
    • Bill Belichick
      Frankly I'd be fine not hearing any more sentences that contain ANY of the above.
  • I think I have fecal impaction.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

July Culture Criticism

The following people annoy me.
  • Amy Winehouse - You may think she's hot, but you are wrong. Also the Rehab song is very much an epic fail, you are much better off listening to AfroMan's Because I Got High. I'll make it easy for you.



  • Lily Allen, also not hot.

  • Rihanna - she is less not hot than the above two but the Umbrella song makes me want to selfstab with fork in teh eye. ella ella ella ah ah ah ahgofuckyourself.

  • Rachel Ray

Monday, June 18, 2007

June Swoon

  • Weekends are not long enough.
  • I do not like shopping for clothes. It is hard enough to find a shirt I like, aesthetically speaking. Then when I actually find such a shirt, I try it on only to realize it is designed for fats. I am not a fat. I do not want to wear clothes that make it look like I am trying to conceal a gut when I have no gut.
  • Pulling your car over and vomitting on the side of the Metra tracks due to a combination of hangover and heat stroke after back-to-back soccer games is not my favorite activity.
  • Girls with boyfriends need to fucking hang out with their boyfriends and not flirt with me.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Back With More Complaints

  • I don't like when I tune in for a Three's Company episode and it's with the Ropers instead of Mr. Furley. Fuck the Ropers.
  • You can't get kiwi ice cream in this country.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

More on the Good/Bad Front

  • Good: Ripping open your orange emergency evacuation pouch in search of a radio with which to listen to potential White Sox no-hitter bid. Bad: finally figuring out how to work shitty COBY emergency radio 45 seconds after game ends.
  • Further complaint: White Sox doing well.

Further Complaints

  • Giving me large fries because my order took too long at McDonalds: GOOD. Neglecting to salt the fries: VERY FUCKING BAD YOU FUCKS.
  • I am very sweaty today in my suit because I am not 100% recovered from my fever yesterday. I feel like Bruce Pearl.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Dear Teh Internets

I cannot remember all my logins and all my passwords to all the sites that require them. Please develop retina-scan login technology with great urgency. In the meantime standardize your password and login rules. Six characters, eight characters, a-z only, number required, come on, pick one. Anyway it's not like somebody is going to hack into my student loan account and pay my loans off for me.

Thursday Whining

  • The walls between offices here are too thin. I can hear the partner next door on speakerphone all day. Also it keeps me from cranking my tunes on my sweet new iPod speakers. Iron Maiden was not meant to be consumed at less than 80 db.
  • I need new jeans, sneakers, black dress shoes, a suit, some work shirts, and probably socks, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to shop for them.
  • I did not win the lottery which means I have to keep working to make money, which means I will keep worrying about losing my job.
  • My feet smell.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Sushi Complaint

  • I have waited a long time to try squid. Now I have. I find it rubbery, then gooey, and generally flavorless.

Monday, January 29, 2007

God damn it

  • The fuckers at Pizza Hut Express forgot to put seasoning on the breadsticks. FUCK YOU.
  • I don't like the "$2.99" Wendy's ad with the 2 guys in the library.
  • Tipping sucks. It should be illegal. Please include the full price of labor in my product, I will pay it, thank you. I don't want to deal with the thought of poors in the service industry thinking I am cheap.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Mid-Week Moaning

  • Walking into a bathroom and seeing a bathroom attendant is like being sucker-punched in the kidney. Especially if you don't have a single to throw at the guy. I'm not going to stand there and make change while men unzip their pants all around me. And when it's a shitty bar (I'm looking at you, Joe's on Weed St.) it's all the more inexcusable.
  • I have pain under my right shoulder blade.
  • The Pizza Hut express I like to frequent has been out of Pepsi for a week and half. I have ordered Mountain Dew as a substitute both times, and both times I have immediately regretted not getting Sierra Mist instead.
  • Elevator in apartment building STILL BROKEN. There is a sign that says "Sorry for the temporary inconvenience." I have been meaning to cross out "temporary," but somebody beat me to the punch, writing "Are you going to fix it?" at the bottom. Perhaps I should find this person and have them be my co-blogger--a clogger, if you will.

Monday, January 8, 2007

A New Week, A New Complaint

  • Come right in to my office, temporary secretary! Don't bother knocking! My door is closed for no reason. [Boilerplate inquiry as to whether barns were an integral part of secretary's upbringing.]
  • MySpace crashes my Firefox at work all the time. I blame Firefox partially but mostly the people who just aren't content with a mere 16 pictures of themselves. Thanks for you 200 slideshows. I do not blame myself for looking at MySpace at work so don't bother posting about it.

Friday, January 5, 2007

Friday Complaints

  • Is there any word's pronounciation that makes less sense than "indicted?" I can't think of one.
  • There's been an accident on the lower level of the Lake Shore Drive bridge two of the last three times I've driven through there. Stay in your lane, assholes.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Lengthier Economics Complaint

I must protest the current batch of Miller High Life ads. Putting aside the fact that High Life is a shitty brew made of algae-laden sea foam and fermented dandelions unfit even for hobo consumption, these ads insult my intelligence.

The saucy fellow in the picture storms into snooty establishments and reclaims the High Life because apparently these places are over-priced. I wish he could explain how creating a scarcity of a product would produce the "tasty price" he claims to champion. Before you know it, cases of High Life (and the only beer worse than High Life: High Life Light) will be on eBay going for triple face value. And maybe that would be for the best. But still. This perversion of simple supply-and-demand principles cannot stand. I hereby complain about it.

Sporty Afternoon Complaint

  • In football, fullbacks should be called halfbacks and halfbacks should be called fullbacks. Quarter, half, full. Do the math.

More Complaints

  • The new Soft Scrub bottle design is faulty. The goo comes blorping out in oversized globs.
  • The people at Corner Bakery frequently forget to put croutons in my caesar salad. There are three fucking ingredients in caesar salad. Leaves, dressing, and croutons (maybe some cheese). How brain-dead are you to say, here is a complete caesar salad, even though it is just a pile of damp leaves without croutons.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

First Complaints

  • It is "per se" not persay.
  • I don't like the Nissan ad where they pretend to fast forward through a football game on DVR to watch a Nissan truck ad playing Ironman. If you think both Ironman and Nissan trucks are cool, you are still in junior high. If you think trucks are cool but not Nissan trucks, you are a redneck.
  • One of my building's three elevators has been broken for like three weeks now.